The journey within


In my last post, I talked about how I came to abandon my Ph.D. and basically get on with my life. In an earlier post, I talked about how I came to do a Ph.D. in the first place. And thus, one could say that in these two posts, you have the the beginning, parts of the middle, and the end of a story – a small chapter in my life.

But is that all a story needs? A chronology of events and nothing more? Such a story would be apt for a courtroom I guess. It would be like stringing bones together, and calling it a body. No! One can’t help but reject this proposition.

Just as a body requires a soul – a life force – for one to declare it living, so too, a story requires one. A captivating, unifying idea that brings it to life, and keeps it as one whole being.

It is thus natural to ask where is this element in my story? For if my story has no soul, it must of necessity be nothing more than a dull, boring series of events without meaning, and of no great interest to anyone.

The soul of my story, the one unifying idea in all this, is my dearest friend, who shall as yet remain unnamed for legal reasons. I left her behind in 2013, and since then thoughts of her have been smoldering like a fire within my soul.

Not many people have ever offered me their help. But this girl did, right from the first day that I met her. The thought that I did not do right by her has destroyed my peace ever since.

What is it that I remember of her?

  • That light touch on my shoulder the night we parted way back in the April of 2013…
  • Those mesmerizing long flowing locks of hers…
  • That grace, beauty and charm that she exuded…
  • That amazing way she walked…

Truth be told, I’ve never really been able to put her out my mind ever since.

Quite the contrary – I’ve felt her constant presence in my mind ever since –

  • As a fire – born from the guilt of wronging her
  • As a sensuality that made all other females I met pale in comparison to her
  • As a beacon to give direction to my life
  • And as a alarm bell that roused me out my sleep and finally convinced me of quitting my Ph.D.

Truth be told, I’ve seen her every night in my sleep, a memory so powerful that I took up listening to music for hours together after waking up, just to get back to being normal.

I even saw her cry once – back in January 2015, as I was returning from India my shuttle from Chicago stopped at a gas station midway to refuel. And on that quiet night, it suddenly started to snow – softly, silently. And those snowflakes I knew were her tears…

It is this horrid place, and this nightmarish pursuit of a Ph.D. that has kept up apart – and doubly so, I do not regret for an instant for quitting that hell hole.

I hope, my dear friend, that you understand.

I wanted a certain maneuverability in my move to a new place, and I do not think that I would have been able to quit my Ph.D. – an eminently wise decision, if ever there was one – had we come together to the US in 2013. The physical, material and financial demands of a new relationship would have denied me the clarity of thought, the freedom of action and the financial security that quitting my Ph.D. required. And so we would have been trapped forever in this God-forsaken place, and who knows what might have befallen us!

I left my dearest friend in a ditch so that I may go forth and achieve the things that I wanted to, so that later we may have a nice life together.

It is thus, this tremendously capable girl who has held my life together as well as it has held together. And she waits yet for me. I urge her to wait a little bit longer now. For events went out of my control back in January 2016.

I too wait patiently and faithfully for her, as I have these past 4 years.

Soon we shall be re-united my love, and who can say what adventures await us next?

And so, with my new found passion for music since I met you, let me end this post with a small little song that I came across while lying injured, (and practically left for dead, I might add, by my “dear” friends) nursed back to health by your voice and my memories of you.

Fools rush in

Where angels fear to tread
And so I come to you my love
My heart above my head

Though I see
The danger there
If there’s a chance for me
Then I don’t care

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know

When we met
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in

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